Real Men Process

The following psychotherapy “story” is about two gay men struggling with their issues in couples therapy. “Carlos and David” are character composites that blend components from a variety of client couples, both heterosexual and gay, in order to protect client confidentiality. With the exception of homophobic oppression, the basic psychodynamic issues presented in this story are relevant to all kinds of couples and are not exclusive to gay male couples.


Real Men Process

I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is two men can have a perfectly healthy, intimate, long-term relationship if they so desire. The bad news is they have to learn to do the work of “processing.”

Internal Family Systems Theory

Have you ever been asked what kind of movie you would like to go to and you say “Well, a part of me would like to see a comedy, but another part of me would like to see a drama?” Inherent in this experience is 2 different parts of your “Self” pulling you in separate directions. Another common experience is when a Part of you says “I really need to get some work done” and another Part of you says “I would rather goof off and watch TV.” It just seems to be the case that what we refer to as our “Self” is really made up of multiple, divergent selves or “parts” that each have their own agendas and functions within us.

This is not a controversial notion within psychotherapy theories, nor is it a new concept historically. From ancient Greece and Plato’s tripartite model of the soul to Freud’s Structural model of the mind (Id, Ego and Super Ego), the notion that our Self is made up of a variety of parts has been a consistent way to understand our internal experiences. More contemporary thinkers refer to this as multiplicity of the mind.

The idea of multiple parts is not about fragmentation of the self or about multiple personality disorder. It is not a metaphorical way to understand our internal lives. It is simply the way our internal, psychological experience of self is organized. Three ways to begin to understand the nature and implications of multiplicity are 1) The Linear Model, 2) General Systems Theory and 3) Internal Family Systems Theory.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: Common Thinking Errors

One of the most useful and teachable psychotherapy theories is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Research on CBT has shown that it is often the method of choice in addressing a wide variety of issues including: Social Anxiety, Traumatic Stress Disorders, Panic Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Agoraphobia, Depressive Disorders and general issues of stress and low self-esteem. Additionally, CBT can be utilized in individual, couples, family and group therapy modalities. And finally, the usefulness and power of CBT derives from it being a modal that can be easily taught to clients so that they might use it on their own to deal with the ongoing issues in their lives.

In this blog post I will not attempt to describe the full extent of the CBT model, but rather to offer a brief look at three useful components of the theory that you might use without ever attending an actual therapy session. These components are: mindfulness, the Socratic method and thinking errors.

Resolute in the New Year

Many people make New Year’s resolutions, but then find they give up or lose determination. Even resolutions to change simple things in your life can be difficult to sustain unless you flesh out a full plan to create the context for change. By the end of January, many have already given up on their “resolutions.” Here are a few things to keep in mind as you prepare to make change happen in your life.

Thoughts On Surviving The Holidays With Our Families…

Holidays can present quite a challenge for many of us as we engage our families. Whether you experience your family as difficult to be around or downright dysfunctional, 20 years of talking to clients about their experiences has taught me that taking time to develop a survival plan can help one make the best of the holidays and minimize painful conflict.

Some people have made an authentic choice not to be in their families’ life because they find it abusive or unhealthy. However, if you remain an active member of your family, at least around the holidays, then it is important to acknowledge that YOU have made that choice. Therefore, you should not pretend to yourself that you are unaware of the fact that various family dramas exist. For example, you know in advance that 2 of your siblings have been in conflict for years; that you have a racist uncle or a homophobic aunt; that there is a political divide between democrats and republicans, or that any number of relatives may disapprove of others for any number of reasons. You can go into the holidays with your family and get caught up in the emotions of the moment and add to the drama, or you can make a plan to keep your sanity.

In formulating your survival plan, I recommend taking an anthropological perspective to help you gain some emotional distance. Try thinking of yourself as a Martian, attempting to understand earth culture. How does each member of your family relate to the others? How do you relate to each member of your family? What are the disagreements you should avoid and what commonalities exist that you can use to connect in a more meaningful way? With this perspective in mind, I would like to offer some useful survival tips.

Group Psychotherapy

Human beings are social animals. We are born and raised in a group (the family), are socialized in groups (day care, schools, sports teams, faith communities, social media, friendship networks) and spend our lives working in groups (career groups, professional organizations). The initial experience of our primary family group often contributes to the development of thinking, feeling and behavior habits that in later life can prevent the individual from fully realizing their potential and in creating meaningful, intimate relationships. This can lead to difficulties negotiating satisfying relationships throughout our lives in all the various groups we live in whether it is managing difficult work place politics, establishing a supportive friendship network or making our romantic partnerships and marriages truly nourishing and growth sustaining.
Group Psychotherapy is one of the most powerful ways to help people increase their insight and awareness about their interpersonal behavior and to help them create the kind of change needed to more fully get their needs met.

Irvin Yalom has been a leading advocate, practitioner, researcher and educator on group therapy. His book “The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy” is in its fifth edition and has been used as a primary source for teaching the art of group since it’s first release in 1970. In it, he outlines 11 therapeutic factors found within the experience of group therapy. I would like to offer a brief overview of his first 6 factors as a way of explaining how group works to help people heal and grow.

Positive Psychology

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in his book “Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience” out lines one of the central tenets of Positive psychology. He draws a distinction between Happiness and Meaning. The idea of human happiness in our popular awareness seems at times something we experience infrequently, but is generally beyond our reach as human beings. Far too often we associate happiness with “peak” experiences such as the joy one might experience on the grandest of New Year’s Eve celebrations. But what is happiness on a day-to-day basis? Csikszentmihalyi argues that happiness is better understood and accomplished by us mere mortals through the pursuit of meaning, and urges us to cultivate “The Flow Experience.”

All of us have already experienced “flow.” Remember a time when you were so absorbed in a task that time seemed to fly by? Your attention was so focused that five hours may have seemed like 5 minutes as you went for a great run, wrote a paper for school, or completed a job task in which you were highly invested. The flow experience has also been associated with meditation, yoga and martial arts.

Csikszentmihalyi describes the elements of flow as follows. One must achieve a high level of skill capable of mastering a highly challenging task. Accomplishing an easy task will not produce flow, nor will failing at a higher- level task. Thus, one must invest time in developing a high degree of competency at a task one finds interesting, and this requires the ability to tolerate the frustration that occurs during the learning process.